I Am Now a Ninja; Fear Me, People

Today I saw a Tweet from a writer friend who suggested, “Don’t know what to write? Add Ninjas.”

What would a middleaged woman (MAW) Ninja look like? She’d totally be a bad-ass, fighting for:

–Justice for her children: no schoolyard bullies (but also no “yellow slips” for so-called bullying when kids say something like “you’re stupid.” I mean, I know that’s horrifying and unforgiveable, but maybe we should cut the 7-year-olds some slack), no mean or misunderstanding or over-reacting teachers;

–The Dust Revolution: Dust will now be revered and glorified and even considered holy, thereby leading to no need to wipe the dust from the house, the car’s dashboard, or the black shoes you haven’t worn for a year;

–Ninja-fashion: Black is the new black, pink is the new black, orange is the new black, stripes mixed with polka dots is the new black, ripped jeans on MAWs is the new black, Free People is the new black… MAW Ninjas can wear any damn thing they want! Plus they can carry nunchucks. (Correct spelling. I Googled it. Also known as “nunchaku.” You may need to know this when you look to buy yours. Make sure you know the law in your area. We don’t want an influx of MAWs in our nation’s prisons. Or maybe we do. I shouldn’t presume to speak for you. Maybe you’ve always dreamed of being incarcerated. Personally, I don’t want to go to prison. I’d rather explore my Ninja side freely. But do what you have to do.)

–Eight hours sleep for all! And nine hours sleep for teenagers. Learned from the doctor that Lizzie’s 7 hours of sleep a night is insufficient, that she should really get nine, and so it totally makes sense that she sleeps all weekend and always complains of being tired. But she says she can’t go to bed earlier, because she has too much homework. Which leads me to:

–Less homework for teenagers! It is not right that high school kids often work much harder than the adults in their lives. Childhood is a time for play and creativity and boredom so they have time to discover how they want to live their lives (IMHO). Adulthood is challenging enough. As a Ninja MAW, I will fight for children’s rights to be children: shorter school days, less homework, and more games of Capture the Flag at twilight!*

–A stop to global warming: I am not an environmental activist (despite my job) and have no interest in lecturing about humanity’s effect on our earth. I just want more snow, better snow, blizzards, and the best snowboarding conditions at the resorts. I want white Christmases and frosty mornings. I will don my Ninja gear and go to war! Powder to the people! (Wow, I just made that up. I need to print T-shirts and bumper stickers. It’s kind of brilliant.)

Because I still enjoy talking fashion in this blog a bit, I’d like to point out that I am excited to discover my perfect Ninja uniform. For fighting injustices against my family, other MAWs, and myself, what is the best costume? It needs to be comfortable, durable and kick-ass. It should incorporate the concept of layering so I can reduce or add clothes depending on the temperature and my level of activity (using the nunchucks will likely necessitate stripping down). Perhaps a sweatshirt (but a cute one, maybe with an uneven hem that covers the butt), a scarf (could be used for strangulation in dire circumstances), skinny jeans (stretchy, of course), my black Converse high tops, Ninja socks (not sure what that means), and maybe some kind of cap or hat or mask. No, not a mask. I don’t want people to actually know I’m a Ninja. I need to be a bad-ass MAW Ninja in disguise. I need to mull on this for a bit. If you have thoughts, let me know.

Maybe something like this? It’s what I wore last night to Lizzie’s choir concert. I was still feelig crappy so didn’t want to change into anything nice, but I learned from Liz that you can add a couple accesories to a casual sweatshirt outfit to look just a bit more, um, zippy.

Possible Ninja costume? Bad earrings though: could get ripped from ears in aggressive action.

*Apparently MAW Ninjas use a lot of exclamation points.

3 thoughts on “I Am Now a Ninja; Fear Me, People

  1. Kit Dunsmore

    Ninjas are known for being kick-ass fighters but also super stealthy. I think your idea that everything is the new black is perfect, because then the MAW Ninja will blend right in with the crowd and no one will even realize she is there!

    Love this post: it made me smile.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. De Anna

    Your so frickin cute! My fave is the glorified dust. There was a famous woman, a designer I think who rigged her vacuum to throw dust out. Her home was covered in dust. I think of her often when I can write my name in the dust and wish that would have caught on.

    Liked by 1 person


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