My planned topic for tonight got preempted by something you, my fellow middleaged women, really need to know. I’m being serious this time:
I went to Hashtagify.me, a site that shows you the top 10 hashtags associated with any particular word. I entered “dogs” and got predictable results like “love,” “cute,” and “puppy.” I tried some others, and found nothing surprising. Then I entered the word “middleaged,” and there were some interesting and even intriguing results. One was “silverfox,”* which was evocative, making me think of a sleek creature slipping through trees in the moonlight. Another was “story,” which I thought was perfect since I’m trying to tell my middleaged story here (and, hopefully, the story of others like me). I also liked “free.” Then there was “sexy” and “loved” and “romantic.”
Also listed as a top 10 word related to “middleaged”: serialkiller.
I bring this to you as a warning which seems particularly of note to me at the moment because it is the first day of my period and I spent about 20 minutes of it crying in the shower followed by 20 minutes of feeling surprisingly peaceful and 20 more of feeling significant ire.
About six months ago, having a rough couple of days, I alternately claimed menopause and PMS. Finally, frustrated, Paul said, “How can you have menopause and PMS at the same time?” And I could feel my brain nearly explode with fury as I shouted, “Exactly!” (Was it really necessary, God, to give women menopause and PMS at the same time?)
With this in mind, however, it begins to make perfect sense that I’m now linked to the word “serialkiller.” It’s actually hitting a little close to home, because I can think of a few people I wouldn’t mind knocking off right now. Such as:
- The woman in line behind me at PetCo when my dog peed on a magazine rack. Her look of disgusted superiority told me that her dog would never do such a thing; she probably has a bumper sticker on her car that says, “My dog is an honor student at Perfect Pets R Us”;
- The young man at the breakfast place who called my name after a lengthy wait and then said, when I got to the podium, that he couldn’t seat me because my party wasn’t complete. I told him that the kids had just stepped next door to check out the game store and would be back before the waitress could even arrive to take our drink orders, but he looked down his nose and repeated, “I’m sorry, but we don’t seat incomplete parties.” And then he turned away, called another name, and gave away our table. By then, of course, the kids had arrived and we were ready to be seated before the other people were even able to take their (our) seats;
- The vet who told me two days ago that the tumor in my black Lab’s lung was cancer and that, if we spent $7,000 to have them take it out, he would optimistically have another whole nine months left before we’d have to “say goodbye.”
- The man (I mention no names) who, when I told him I had my period and was sad about the dog and needed ice cream, brought home gelato instead (I mean, is that really ice cream?).
As you can see, I’m a bit emotionally unstable and, if the hashtag-tracking people are correct, I may just go on a killing spree. Not that I want to! I don’t! I really, really don’t want to kill anyone! What I’m saying is, I’ve never thought of myself as a violent women, but according to the hashtag experts, I am likely to snap.I advise you to be warned. We middleaged women are awesome: we’re free and sexy and loved and romantic and have stories to tell and, perhaps best of all, are silverfoxes. But we are also, apparently, serial killers. So stay away from the knives and the belladonna when you’re simultaneously pre-menstrual and menopausal. Consider keeping your family at arm’s length. And keep your security blanket close by.**
*Well, shit, I just searched “silverfox” for a picture and found out that the word actually refers to an attractive older man with silver hair that is generally desired by younger women. That’s not as nice as what I was thinking…
**By the way, the security blanket was my planned topic for the evening, but that will have to wait. Please don’t kill anyone in the meantime.
Til next time,